Fear strikes into the heart of all those in public life... as 6.30pm on a Friday nears, anxious fingers twiddle dials, politicians and celebrities feel their hearts sink as they tune in to Callan's Kicks, the award-winning satire show, and realise they are not in it this week. Oh well, there's always next week... 

Message from President Elect Donald FU Trump:

It’s now a few days since the great and stupid people of America voted for me to become their next, and probably final president.

I gave Hillary Clinton a real spanking at the ballot box. And I look forward to her congratulating me in person, when I visit Guantanamo Bay. She’ll look great in orange. Like my face.

I will make America great again, or burn it to the ground trying!

I’d like to thank all the patriotic Americans who voted for me. I said it was vital to vote, because now I’m president you’ll never have to vote again.

Thanks to all the poor and the working class who voted, as a billionaire born with a silver spoon in my mouth I know the pain you’ve gone through. Because my bankrupt companies have caused a lot of it. Bigly.

I’d like to thank my tens of millions of white supporters, my tens of black supporters, and that one muslim guy who voted for me by accident.

I'd like to thank Melania, my Third First Lady, who is so hot it should be illegal - just like she was when she came to the US.

As for the accusation that I’m racist, nothing could be further from the truth, i don’t only like white people, I like orange people too.

A lot of people are saying my hair's a wig. Lies. No wig would look this ridiculous.

I once asked what was the point of nuclear weapons if you never used them. But don't worry, my favorite word is fired.

Your Prime Minister Edna was very keen to visit the White House on St Patty’s day and, as was traditional, I promised to let him into the oval office for 40 seconds, in exchange for continuing to use Shannon for rendition flights.  Great country. And it’s in Europe, which is where all the good Americans came from.

Now I gotta go, I got work to do before I officially become President and Obama goes back to Kenya. America is a hot lady, she's a ten, believe me. I will make our country great again, even if I have to burn it to the ground. Hold onto your butts. And may God bless the United States of Trump.