1. Pets have owners, children have staff.

2. Before I had kids I didn't realise there was a wrong way to eat invisible food.

3. The more kids you have, the more pointless their names become.

4. Always die first in a lightsaber battle. You get to rest longer.

5. Hearing your child explain that meatballs are 60% meat and 40% balls tends to put you off your dinner very quickly.

6. Kids are great but going somewhere without them is even better.

7. Hell hath no fury like a toddler who has been given toast when they asked for toast.

8. The most terrifying thing in the world is a toy randomly talking when you're in a room on your own.

9. Vaguely mentioning something that you might do is instantly taken as a blood oath by kids.

10. If something looks like poo it's usually poo.

11. 90% of parenting is informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

12. Always get your laziest child to do a hard job because they'll find an easier way to do it.

13. If you ever want to see how loud your voice can go, get kids ready for school.

14. I spend an awful lot of time moving batteries from one toy to another.

15. The longer you're a parent the harder it is to get excited when someone tells you they’re pregnant.

16. You can save money on your child's hearing test by opening up a bag of crisps from two rooms away.

17. The perfect way to end a lovely moment with kids is to take a photograph.

18. It's easier to shampoo an otter than dress a toddler.

19. The trickiest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only the eldest one has a photo book.

20. My kids make a lot of plans for people whose sole income is the tooth fairy.

21. Hearing a toddler say "bye bye" as he flushes the toilet is a good way to practice sprinting.

22. Everyone needs a friend who doesn't judge you for saying " the kids were monsters today".

23. Everyday in a hundred small ways your children will ask "do you see me?". Make sure you see them.


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