1. Pets have owners, children have staff.
2. Before I had kids I didn't realise there was a wrong way to eat invisible food.
3. The more kids you have, the more pointless their names become.
4. Always die first in a lightsaber battle. You get to rest longer.
5. Hearing your child explain that meatballs are 60% meat and 40% balls tends to put you off your dinner very quickly.
6. Kids are great but going somewhere without them is even better.
7. Hell hath no fury like a toddler who has been given toast when they asked for toast.
8. The most terrifying thing in the world is a toy randomly talking when you're in a room on your own.
9. Vaguely mentioning something that you might do is instantly taken as a blood oath by kids.
10. If something looks like poo it's usually poo.
11. 90% of parenting is informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
12. Always get your laziest child to do a hard job because they'll find an easier way to do it.
13. If you ever want to see how loud your voice can go, get kids ready for school.
14. I spend an awful lot of time moving batteries from one toy to another.
15. The longer you're a parent the harder it is to get excited when someone tells you they’re pregnant.
16. You can save money on your child's hearing test by opening up a bag of crisps from two rooms away.
17. The perfect way to end a lovely moment with kids is to take a photograph.
18. It's easier to shampoo an otter than dress a toddler.
19. The trickiest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only the eldest one has a photo book.
20. My kids make a lot of plans for people whose sole income is the tooth fairy.
21. Hearing a toddler say "bye bye" as he flushes the toilet is a good way to practice sprinting.
22. Everyone needs a friend who doesn't judge you for saying " the kids were monsters today".
23. Everyday in a hundred small ways your children will ask "do you see me?". Make sure you see them.
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