From Russian roulette to Santa bribes, here are 27 things that I learned as a parent over the past few weeks...

1.It only took two phone calls to Santa this morning to get the boys ready for school. Result.

2. Everywhere is a potential bed if you try hard enough.

3. Nobody is better at Hide-and-Seek than my wife when she hands me the kids after I walk in the door from work.

4. YAAAAY bath time. 

  • 10 mins of tactical negotiations to get the kids into the bath.
  • 5 mins of screaming about how hot the water is (it's not).
  • 1 min of fighting about which end of the bath my 4yo & 6yo want
  • 3 mins of screaming about getting shampoo in their eyes (I didn't )
  • 5 mins of laughing as all 3 do farts in the bath- 2 mins of panic while we realise that Thing 3 (our toddler) 'sharted' not farted
  • 2 mins of 'full monty' dancing
  • 3 mins of post evacuation chasing of Thing 1 & Thing 2 in order to get them dry and dressed.

Parenting (with clean kids). So much fun.

5. My toddler should write a book called "Why one sock is better than two".

6. My 4yo should write a book called "Why I never wait for the sun to come up".

7. My 6yo should write a book called "Why I want to be a Lego Master Builder".

8. *from upstairs to downstairs*

4yo: "DAAAAD. I got poo in my hair"

Me: "That's not possible. Go to sleep"

Turns out it is possible. #ByeByePillow 

9. "Noooo I want to do it, I want to do it. I said I WANTED TO DO IT" - my 4yo’s nightmare last night, presumably about traffic light buttons.

10. If you’re ever concerned about your kid’s hearing, just open a bag of crisps from another room.

11. it’s always fun to find a mushed up banana stuffed between your 'no longer new' couch.

12. Conjunctivitis.com – now there’s a site for sore eyes. #DadJoke

13. Parenting Russian Roulette - Undressing a standing toddler and removing the nappy not knowing if anything will fall out or slide down. I lost

14. Asking your kids to clean up their toys while you hold a large black bin liner is EXTREMELY effective. Try it.

15. It’s slowly dawning on me that the only way I’m going to ever use a gym is if I go to prison.

16. DING DONG.

Sales Caller: "Oh.....Hello there. Is your Mummy or Daddy there?"

4yo: "No"...while slowly closing door.

Sales Caller: *puzzled look*

Me: *feeling proud (as I hide) that he executed it perfectly*

#WitchingHour #GoAway #WorstTimeToCall

17. I can’t believe I was naive enough to think "a soft play centre will never see a cent of my money"

18. School photos; because who needs money to buy groceries this week.

19. My kids have reached that stage where they blame their farts on their mum now. Is it bad that I’m somewhat proud that they've reached this milestone?

20. Last Saturday my 4yo son took off his shoes, top and jeans and stood in a display shower in Homebase while waving at customers.

21. Meanwhile, my 6yo dressed up in full Nerf ‘combat’ gear yesterday just to kill a bug. I swear I could hear the bug p***ing himself...laughing.

22. If you're bored, a fun thing to do is tell your kids that it's time for bed, and repeat it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and....you get the picture

23. "Ugh. I'm not eating that, it's yucky" he says about tiny bruise on banana.

The same can't be said for a stringy snot however (as I type 'n' wretch)

#OurFourYearOld

24. Cleaning your house is pointless if your children are going to continue living there.

25. I thought I was a normal person until my 4yo son asked me if "I'd eat a bowl of dog poo for 3 million euro pound money"

26. Never ever lose instructions for a newly bought Lego spaceship. #SundayRuined

27. I'm thinking of setting up a 'Nap Club'. It'll be kinda like a book club just without the books or the talking.

Let me know if you're interested - SIGN UP TO NAP CLUB

For more home truths with a sprinkling of funny follow me on Facebook

Best,

DD


You can catch me on Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | e. digitaldad@rte.ie