Directed by Simon Cellan Jones. Starring Justine Waddell, Richard Roxburgh, Jonathan Cake, Aisling O'Sullivan, Michael Hodgson, Patsy Kensit and Donna Air.

"Life is like a kitchen": that's where this flimsy rom-com starts. You may be thinking it's a poor basis for a film, but it is also a rather poor foundation for a relationship as kitchen fitter Neil (Roxburgh) is beginning to find out. He's been with kitchen designer Jenny (O'Sullivan) for 12 years and, although the couple never married, she has reached a point where she is maniacally desperate for a child - the only problem is that Neil's firing blanks.

While Neil's busy failing to impress adoption agencies with his kitchen-equals-life theory, in another life Stevie (Waddell) and her Italian footballer husband Sonny Buffalino (Cake) are also having problems. Sonny wants kids but Stevie's afraid pregnancy will signal the end of the romance. Sonny transferred to Newcastle United on £30,000 a week but has only played 34 minutes since arriving two seasons ago - due to a groin injury.

When Neil turns up to fit Stevie's new kitchen it's love at first sight, but the pair are too entwined in their own personal problems to be able to admit it - at first. Oh, and in case any of this is getting too heavy for you, there's a third couple: Neil's loutish workmate Stan, who sprays pheromones like deodorant and ends up rolling on the floor of an all-night supermarket aisle with Stella (Patsy Kensit), who turns out to be Stevie's best friend.

So far so 'Sex and The City' meets 'Men Behaving Badly' meets 'Cold Feet', and that is the essential problem with 'The One and Only' - a premise that would have made for amusing TV fares less well on the big screen. Written by Peter Flannery (TV's 'Our Friends in the North'), it makes a fair attempt to appeal to both the girls and the boys (relationships and football) and contains more than few laughs from an occasionally brilliant script.

O'Sullivan is delightful as the obsessive Jenny, Australian Roxburgh delivers a surprisingly believable accent as the kitchen fitter with a heart of gold. Waddell and Cake do a good Posh/Becks-style take off, but the real star of the show is clearly meant to be the city. From the opening upbeat music that plays over cityscapes, the Angel of the North and Newcastle's own Millennium Bridge (did everyone get one?), the film plays at times like it was commissioned by the Northern England tourist board. Not to mention the fact that Gateshead/Newcastle is making a bid to be 2008's European City of Culture.

While 'The One and Only' might make you consider a long weekend there this spring, the vibrancy of the location only serves to distract from the fact that there's not enough here to recommend forking out more than the price of a video rental.

Cristín Leach