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Arty Farty

Meet The Critics

Pieces they judge worthy ascend to the ethereal nirvana of the gallery above. Those that fail to impress are consigned, via an occasionally malfunctioning trapdoor, to the diabolical 'crusher' below

Arty Farty critics are, themselves, works of art, or approximations thereof:

is a "real" shark preserved and mounted on a plinth. Brash, cynical and materialistic, his concept of art starts and ends with the auction price. The higher the better, "and none of your expressionist muck".

Professor Photon Moriarty
is the flickering holographic bust of an elderly and slightly unhinged art historian. The most senior member of the group, he has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the art world, huge regard for his own opinions and little patience for the inane ramblings of his colleagues.

Mizz Porsche is the picture Roy Lichtenstein would have painted had he spent his teenage years on Bebo. Superficial, prissy and constantly texting on her mobile, Mizz Porsche's façade occasionally slips, revealing a genuine understanding of art, which she quickly covers up: "Ohmygod, did I say that out loud?"

And then there's David. Michaelangelo's naked masterpiece meets David Beckham via Derek Zoolander: body of a god; face of an angel, intellect of a housefly. David's knowledge of art may be as insubstantial as his alabaster figleaf, but he's not shy about leaving his plinth to take a closer look. Professor Moriarty may have all the answers, but David has all the questions. And one or two of them are even vaguely relevant.

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