Advice

David Coleman on Parenting Teenage Girls

How teenage girls are different from teenage boys.

One of the key ways in which teenage girls are different from teenage boys is in the way that they deal with difficult feelings. In general, boys tend to externalise problems. This means that they tend to show in visible ways that they are upset by displaying difficult, acting out type behaviour. So boys may be more outwardly aggressive, violent, delinquent or in-your-face argumentative. Girls, in general, tend to internalise problems. So they are much more likely to deal with problems by withdrawing, self harming, or showing signs of anxiety or depression. Of course these categories are not exclusive and some girls will externalise their behaviour. So they may engage in things like truanting, binge drinking, screaming conflict and so on. Also, we generally expect girls to be more attuned to their feelings and the feelings of others and so we are more likely to connect with girls at an emotional level and encourage them to process their feelings rather than act them out.

Issues that teenage girls encounter that teenage boys don't.

Eating disorders are one of the few issues that are very predominantly faced by more girls than boys. Estimates are that 4 girls will have an eating disorder for every 1 boy who develops one. Self harm is another issue that tends to affect more girls than boys. The way in which girls engage in bullying also tends to be different to the way boys do it. Boys will usually go for a more obvious power type bullying involving physical aggression whereas girls tend to engage more in psychological bullying which is designed to exclude, demean or undermine other girls.

What advice would David give to parents re teenage issues such as drug taking, drinking etc.

Communication is the key to influencing your teenager. The thing we're most afraid of is that our daughter will dismiss us, disrespect us and ignore us. If this is happening it is very hard to keep reaching out and trying to make the connection with your daughter. But you need to talk to them about sex and relationships, about drugs and their effects, about alcohol and about the values and beliefs that you have in relation to all of these activities. Make sure you inform yourself so that you sound like you know what you're talking about. Make sure you listen as well; your teenager will have her own views on all of these subjects and they can't be dismissed either. Your teenager needs to know where you stand so that they can begin to judge their own behaviour. Try to remain as their parent who still sets limits and has expectations of them rather than trying to be their best mate. Teenagers need a secure base against which to push in order to become healthily independent. Use the support of friends or relatives who might maintain an influence with your daughter and allow them to speak on your behalf to support the kinds of beliefs that you would like to continue to transmit to your daughter who might ignore you.

How parents should approach teenage girls - is it different from how they should approach teenage boys?

I think we can take advantage of the fact that generally girls are more aware of and in tune with their feelings to our advantage in helping them to make sense of the complexities of being a teenager. Remember to be compassionate. Remember that yours is not the only influencing voice and instead you might now be competing against not just their peers, but also the influence of the global media with many different value systems.

What David thinks we can do to help teen girls make the transition to adulthood.

Some of the biggest influences are teenage girls will be the role models that they can aspire to. Parents provide the most significant role modelling for their teenagers; so many of the interpersonal skills, personal self-esteem, career or home focus that mothers will show will give guidance to their daughters about what it means to be a woman in Irish society

How can we protect teenage girls from each other - as often it is girls who give other girls the worst time!

The most protective factor in any kind of bullying is to maintain or grow good self-esteem. When girls are really bitchy to each other the main impact on a girl who is picked on is that she will feel bad about herself. The focus of parents, then, should be to help the girls to feel both capable and to feel loved. So, give your girls opportunities to contribute and to feel valued, identify their strengths and their abilities and always treat them with respect in how you communicate with them and how act with them.