Bangkok

By the time jetlag, clock adjustments and onward flight times were accounted for, a two-night stopover resulted in just one full day to see what was on offer in Bangkok.

The easy option would have been a couple of days relaxing in the very affordable five-star options beside the airport, but it being my first time in southeast Asia, what better introduction than to jump head first into the action of one of its best known and busiest cities.

The Temple of the Reclining Buddha, Khao San Road and the Grand Palace were three of the places I was hoping to visit but with only the hotel's courtesy map for navigation, I would have been happy with one of the three as I ventured out into the balmy Bangkok morning and took the monorail to Siam Square.

According to the back of the map there was a crocodile farm on the river and a boat trip could be taken from a pick-up point, which seemed no more than a two-kilometre walk.

The map, however, was evidently out of scale and even the roads didn't appear to correspond to my surroundings.

Less than 10 minutes on the streets and I was already lost. However, it wasn't long before a 'kind' woman stopped to see if I needed help.

The lady took the map and started planning my route. First to the river, on to the crocodile farm, then to the "not to be missed" bridge, after that to the something or other temple, back onto another boat, "where you are not to gamble with the men or you will lose all your money", further up the river, stopping off at the amazing Buddha temple, then through the markets before making my way up to the palace of his holiness the Emperor to finish off before lunch.

She seemed genuine, but anywhere I pointed to on the map was "closed today", and if I wasn't so bamboozled by the directions, the agenda and the mess she had made of the map with my marker, I would never have gotten into the tuk-tuk that seemed to appear out of nowhere, upon the conclusion of the rant.

Dazed and confused, I sped off down the road holding on for dear life as the little three-wheeler went left, then right, then left again, with one wheel lifting off the road with every turn of this glorified tricycle.

In fairness, the tuk-tuk dropped me off at the river and there was a number on the map close to where I assumed I was, which indicated a passenger boat that would travel up river.

The boat was jammed with everyday people getting on with their business, which soon dispelled my aspiration of a nice touristy thing complete with guide and comfortable seats.

The river was very wide and the water was dirty and industrial. With space being limited in this city, water transport was obviously a way of easing the road congestion. Judging from the roads that I had seen so far, they could do with a few more rivers.

I hopped off a few stops up the river where the map indicated lots of pictures of Buddha and markets. Luckily, it gave me just enough information to find one of the smaller, more detailed maps in my Lonely Planet. New map in hand, I made my way through the busy streets and located Wat Pho, the second biggest temple in Bangkok, which housed the famous Reclining Buddha.

I was now back in tourist mode, and the tranquillity inside the temple's compound was fantastic and surreal.

Within a few minutes I was transported from the hustle and bustle of Bangkok's city centre to the inner sanctum of this peaceful and historical temple.

I sat for a while on the floor of a small temple surrounded by a golden Buddha, elegant elephants and various other symbols of the Buddhist faith.

The extravagance of some of the rooms and the 140-foot reclining Buddha reminded me of some of the magnificent Catholic churches and cathedrals around Europe where no expense is spared in the name of devotion and prayer - or tourism?

Lunchtime coincided nicely with a huge open-air market that I stumbled upon further up the street. Hundreds of stalls were selling everything from eyeballs to chicken balls to balls of a nature I didn't even want to contemplate. Some smelt divine, while others just smelt. I chose caution ahead of adventure and went for some stir-fried noodles.

I stopped again to study the map, and sure enough a local passer-by decided that I needed a bit of help.
"Do you speak English," I asked.
"Yes, I am a teacher."
"How do I get to the Grand Palace?"
"It is closed today. You want to go to this place instead," he said, now grabbing the map.
"What about this temple here?" I asked, grabbing the map back.
"No, that is also closed today. You must see the..."
"Good luck."

I found the palace and just as I was about to walk in, I was pointed in the direction of a huge sign on the wall. "No Trousers. No Entry." My interest in seeing the palace was now at an all-time low, but I made the effort and crossed the road into the conveniently located trouser emporium.

The shop had one style of trouser, in every colour of the rainbow, some with a mix of several colours. The waist was elasticised, of the fat pants variety. One size fits all. From the waist, the legs went out at right angles and back in again just above the ankles with another elastic hem. I looked like MC Hammer's worst nightmare. There was no way in the world that I was wearing these things in public.

The top of the palace, which was just about visible over the boundary wall, was as close as I got.

Hostels, cafés and stalls lined Khoa San Road, and there was a strong smell of herbs - of the illegal variety - emanating from the open doors and windows. I sat and had a coffee in one of the exterior establishments and watched the world go by on the road before me.

Life doesn't move too fast here, and some of the folk looked like they'd been here a bit too long. Scrawny, dreadlocked backpackers wandered back and forth across the street stopping occasionally to roll a cigarette or to chat with blokes named "dude" or "man".

It had been a hectic day and as I looked up into the clear blue sky, the warmth of the fantastic sun on my face started to give me a sense of why they were sticking around.

Back in the hotel, four smiling Thai girls welcomed me into their perfumed boudoir - I had already checked with the hotel porter that it was definitely just a massage parlour. After all that walking I felt a foot massage was well deserved.

The massage was incredible. After the washing of the feet, one foot was wrapped nice and cosy in a heated towel and perched up on a stool while Tina, my masseuse, went to work on the other foot.

Every inch of my foot's surface area was pulled, poked, pressed, prodded and, of course, pampered. A toe separator was put in place while the reflexology chart was produced, and soon she went to work on the base of my foot and toes with a little brown stick.

It was like a game show. She stuck the stick into my foot and I had to look at the chart to see what bodily part it corresponded to. If it hurt anywhere, it meant that there might be complications in that area.

All was going well until she dug the stick into the middle of my foot and I let out a little grimace. I had a little glance at the chart to see where the problem was - my stomach, of course. She patted her belly as she looked at me trying to hold mine in and said: "Fatty fatty bad." It was like being back in high-babies getting teased for being chubby.

Aside from being told that I was pleasantly plump, the massage was unbelievable, and despite the fact that I'd been on my feet for eight hours, as I ventured back up to my hotel room, it felt as though I was walking on air.

Darkness had kicked in; now it was time for the nightlife.

Bangkok Nightlife
The city is famous for its nightlife. To see it is to believe it. There are plenty of discos, clubs and karaoke bars, while the food is equally delicious in the restaurants or outside at the market stalls.

Bangkok also has a well-deserved reputation for debauchery. Anything goes in Bangkok, with regular pubs standing side by side with clubs of the strip show variety. Many tourists find this scene a bit of a novelty and will take a stroll through these seedy areas out of curiosity. But if you decide to take in a 'live show' you may get a bit closer to the action than you bargained for, so tread softly.

Where to Stay
I stayed at the Ambassador Hotel, and costing €27 a night all I hoped for was a nice room with clean sheets and a toilet that didn't involve squatting. I was pleasantly surprised. The hotel was beautiful and my room was huge with the super king-size bed filling most of it.

Rooms in some parts of the city can be got for less than a fiver but, unless you are on a really tight budget, Bangkok is a city where you can sample high-quality hotels at a fraction of the price that you would pay throughout Europe.

Ed Leahy