The Business Jargon

They talk the talk!

Email your jargon to us at thebusiness@rte.ie

John Murray's Jargon Book - Click here for more information.

March 2010 Banned jargon: 250 words ‘you should not use’
The 2010 banned words list issued by Britain’s Local Government Association -Here is the full LGA list:
across the piece
actioned
advocate
agencies
ambassador
apportionment
area-based
area-focused
autonomous
baseline
beacon
benchmarking
best practice
blue sky thinking
bottom-up
brain dump
can-do culture
capabilities
capacity
capacity building
capturing
cascading
cashable
catalysts
cautiously welcome
centricity
challenge
champion
citizen empowerment
citizen touchpoints
client
clienting
cohesive communities
cohesiveness
collaboration
commissioning
community engagement
compact
compendium
comprehensive area assessment
conditionality
connectedness
consensual
contestability
contextual
core developments
core message
core principles
core value
coterminosity
coterminous
cross-cutting
cross-fertilisation
cross-sectoral
customer
customer insight
customer journey
deep dive
delivery chain
democratic legitimacy
democratic mandate
dialogue
direction of travel
disbenefits
distorts spending priorities
double devolution
downstream
early win
econometric
edge-fit
embedded
empowerment
enabler
engagement
engaging users
enhance
evidence base
exemplar
extensible
external challenge
externalities
face time
facilitate
fast-track
flex
flexibilities and freedoms
framework
fulcrum
functionality
funding streams
future of place
future proofing
gateway review
going forward
gold plating
goldfish bowl facilitated conversation
good practice
governance
guidelines
headroom for change
hereditament
holistic
holistic governance
horizon scanning
improvement levers
incentivising
income streams
indicators
informatics
initiative
innovative capacity
inspectorates
interactivity
interdepartmental
interdependencies
interface
iteration
joined up
key asks
knowledge bite
knowledge hub
learning outcome
level playing field
lever
leverage
lifetime neighbourhood
local area agreements
local strategic partnerships
localities
low-hanging fruit
lowlights
mainstreaming
management capacity
meaningful consultation
meaningful dialogue
meaningful reusable interactivity
mechanisms
menu of options
multi-area agreements
multi-agency
multi-disciplinary
municipalities
network model
normalising
outcomes
output
outsourced
overarching
paradigm
parameter
participatory
partnership working
partnerships
pathfinder
peer
performance network
place shaping
pooled budgets
pooled resources
pooled risk
populace
potentialities
practitioners
predictors of beaconicity
preventative services
prioritisation
priority
proactive
process driven
procure
procurement
promulgate
proportionality
protocol
provider vehicles
public sphere
pump priming
quantum
quick hit
quick win
rationalisation
reablement
rebaselining
reconfigured
resource allocation
resource efficient
revenue streams
re-weaving
risk based
robust
safeguarding
scaled-back
scoping
sector wise
seedbed
self-aggrandisement
service users
shared priority
shell developments
signpost
single conversations
single point of contact
situational
slippage
social contracts
social exclusion
spatial
stakeholder
step change
strategic
strategic priorities
streamlined
sub-regional
subsidiarity
sustainable
sustainable communities
symposium
synergies
systematics
taxonomy
tested for soundness
thematic
thinking outside the box
third sector
thought shower
tonality
toolkit
top-down
trajectory
tranche
transactional
transformational
transparency
trialogue
under-capacitated
uplifting
upstream
upward trend
utilise
value-added
vision
visionary
wash-up session
webinar
wellbeing
wellderly
who blinks first
wicked issues
worklessness
world cafe

November 09

The New Irish Vocabulary ( sent by Stephen Rawson) - these phrases can be used in any current context and in any combination

Readjustments
Bank bail-out
Government money
Impairment
Normal levels of control did not exist
That was the prevailing philosophy then
We won't solve our problems by living in the past
That was then, this is now - we are where we are
Light touch regulation
I did nothing illegal ( applies to all bank execs, property developers and Thierry Henry)
Entitled
Resignation
Pay-off
Sharing the pain
Private business going to the wall
Levy.income
Levy.pension
Political courage
Pensions ..while working
TD / Teacher
Unvouched for expenses
Walk around money
We're working behind the scenes
Monitoring the situation
Awaiting a report
Protecting the vulnerable
Education cutbacks
Health cutbacks
Public Transport cuts
Regulator announces bill hikes
Minister forecasts reductions
Jobs Jobs Jobs
Due diligence

Great piece of of ....not quite jargon, but maybe there is someone who believes this is what some business out there needs to survive. From the Sligo Champion.

Thanks to Annie for sending this in.

October 09

Wonderful piece of jargon found on the beach at Garretstown in Co Cork.

Abe Jacob sent us a piece of Datawarehousing-
"Architectural Review by Bill Inmon
Have Bill Inmon and colleagues take a look at your information architecture and find out how your database environment measures up to DW2.0 - The Architecture for the Next Generation of Data Warehousing.
Why Bill Inmon?
. Bill Inmon and colleagues will provide objective advice based upon years of experience and wisdom.
. Make sure that your organization has the very best advice on the costs, the scalability and the versatility of the foundations you need to put in place today in order to have a solid infrastructure of information systems for tomorrow.
. The insight gleaned from such a review will not be tainted since Bill Inmon and colleagues are not associated with any hardware or software vendor or any consulting organization.
. Bill Inmon is an SME (subject-matter expert) on data warehousing and architecture.
Bill Inmon was the first to write the book on data warehousing, and he also co-authored Corporate Information Factory. Now Bill has written the visionary book entitled DW2.0 - The Architecture for the Next Generation of Data Warehousing.
Bill Inmon will provide his frank opinion and views on how to position your information architecture and data warehouse to stand the test of time. After the review, a written report will be furnished with all of the findings and recommendations that can be used to shape the future choices on data warehouse architecture."

Joe Phelan sent us this from Public Affairs Ireland's website:
In the context of the Transforming Public Services report, all public bodies will be required to provide an integrated Annual Report, which a good corporate governance framework will facilitate, covering both input usage (expenditure) and output delivery with a focus on the achievements of the organisation.

September 09

COP JARGON - read this arresting piece of Jargon - click here

New Italian Striker!
"After recently failing at the 61.8% fibonacci retracement of the recent bear market, Copper has now broken down from a topping pattern and also closed below its 50 day sma indicating a trend reversal."
From a note sent out week ending 26 September by Bloxham Stockbrokers
Well, we looked it up and the Fibonacci retracement is a very popular tool among technical traders and is based on the key numbers identified by mathematician Leonardo Fibonacci in the thirteenth century. These key numbers are a set of ratios - 23.6%, 38.2%, 50%, 61.8% and 100%. And Dan Brown refers to them in the Da Vinci Code. So now you know!

This comes in a press release from UCD
Telling Tales? Using Ethnographic Fictions to Speak Embodied 'Truth'
Dr Kay Inckle, School of Social Work and Social Policy, Trinity College Dublin.

Dr Inckle's current research is focused on the deployment of creative methodologies-ethnographic fictions-to develop and disseminate a harm-reduction approach to self-injury. This paper explores the issues, ethics and practices which led her to ethnographic fiction as she endeavoured to accurately and ethically research and represent experiences of body-marking practices. Because of the fundamentally embodied nature of body-marking, she sought methodologies which were equally embodied and able to contain and represent the complex, emotive, fluid and dynamic nature of these experiences. It was also essential to her that the knowledge forms she produced, in empirical and epistemological terms, avoided the dualism and hierarchy which pervade our logocentric norms. Both the form and practice of her research required an ethic which was specifically embodied and which grew out of corporeal experience. She describes the research journey which drew her into the strategy of ethnographic fiction and how this practice answered many of the issues and dilemmas posed by the specific and bodily nature of her work, and her own relationship with it

February 2009

With thanks to John Collins in TCD who came across this at a team building workshop

February 9th 2009 - THE ADVENTURES OF ACTION ITEM REVEALED!.CLICK HERE TO VIEW CARTOON.

Council leader aims to ban jargon

Words such as "cross fertilisation" and "incentivising" are baffling town hall jargon and should be banned according to one council leader.
Daily Telegraph, 29 Dec 2008.

David Lee, the leader of Wokingham borough council in Berkshire, is on a mission to stop the use of gobbledegook.
He wants to rid councils of wordy and baffling language to make life simpler.

He has come up with a list of words which he hates, including worklessness, network model and paradigm. Councillor Lee said "It's going to take a while to get rid of this type of rubbish but I'm on the case and our council has already made a step in the right direction by simplifying the reports which are written for the executive's consideration."

He wants residents to alert him if they get "anything incomprehensible from the council in the future".He added "Plain English should be the law in all walks of life. Too often people talk in acronyms and complicated language just to add an air of secrecy to what they do in a bid to make people like me go away and not bother them."

List of banned words include:

:: conditionality
:: worklessness
:: cross-fertilisation
:: double devolution
:: edge-fit
:: fulcrum
:: incentivising
:: municipalities
:: network model
:: lowlights
:: paradigm
:: predictors of beaconicity
:: provider vehicles
:: seedbed
:: shell developments

DELL - You can read the full text of Dell's jargon-ridden statement about the job losses here.

THAT VODAFONE AD Job Title Customer Decisioning Manager - Chordiant Marketing Director
Job TypeFull-time
Description Customer Decisioning Manager
FUNCTION: Base Management Operations
DEPARTMENT: Consumer Marketing

*Role Purpose*
Set up and manage a function that will drive the operational execution of base management contact plans on inbound channels, translating the business decisioning rules into actionable customer targets with relevant offers that optimize level of investment based on customer value

Vodafone Ireland needs an individual with the rare combination of proven technology expertise in Real Time Marketing Technologies (e.g. Chordiant,
Epiphany) and the ability to translate marketing purposes into a coded business logic in order to exploit the technology capability to drive effectiveness and efficiency in turning customer interactions into profitable opportunities.

*Essence of Role - Key Accountabilities*

The role will lead a new function of 3 FTEs, supporting both Consumer and Enterprise Business units, and inter-locked with 6 other specialised teams within the organization (Technology, Modelling, MIS, Channels, Base Management Planning, Base Management Commercial Planning), ensuring base management inbound activities are fully aligned with base management strategies and exploiting the customer insights and technology capabilities to drive incremental margin balanced with optimum financial optimisation and the overall customer experience.

The role will define the capability roadmap for Reat Time Marketing and Decisioning applications and lead and manage the business delivery of the roadmap, from feasibility analysis to design, build and deployment, with budgetary responsibility of ?3m CapEx and ?1m OpEx

The role will be responsible for overall day to day ownership of the Inbound Marketing Decisioning Framework and logic and the Retention Optimization decisioning logic, based on the customer contact plan and requirements from the Base Management Planning team.

This will include responsibilities for leading the build and management of customer decisioning rules, for inbound customer contact activity and retention and for facilitating the development of key inputs such as customer contact frequency rules, descriptive & predictive analytics, channel capacity, previous activity performance evaluation, business rules, offer rules and eligibility, customer investment rules, customer and product profitability, strategic priorities.
The role will lead the implementation of Customer Decisioning Technology (CDT), starting with the customer investment optimization of recommitment processes, followed by the NBA migration to the CDT platform.

The role will be responsible for the operational management of CDT and for leading the technical deployment of decisioning rules or customer target data to the appropriate channels, including an appropriate level of quality assurance of rules and data before customer contact is performed.

The role will maintain the required reference data for the decisioning logic, to include offer compatibility and tariff and handset details (note - dependent on the level of CDT integration with the product catalogue)

Gather and manage feedback from channels based on the technical execution of customer contact activity, to update and refine future activity

Review proposed customer contact activity to provide feedback on the high-level targeting/eligibility rules, offer prioritisation, use of propensity models and channel selection based on knowledge of the customer base and previous outcomes and results

Provide support in defining and assessing CDT strategy requirements and perform impact analysis on the new requirements

Provide a viewpoint on appropriate action or options to take based on customer targeting/contact conflicts or channel resource or capacity limitations

Provide inputs into the development of customer analysis for use in base management, including the definition of customer interaction strategies, objectives and targets, as well as for the planning of products, offers and customer contact activity.

Proactively use post-activity reports and in-depth performance evaluation to determine how existing decisioning rules can be enhanced to increase business benefits

The role will ensure that the new team responsibilities, processes and objectives are defined and embedded as soon as possible

Ensure that the team has the appropriate level of customer data (quality, breadth and recency), along with the required application toolset, to perform their responsibilities

Noreen Whelan writes
"Does'nt our beloved President have a way with words, tho'.

From Irish Times nov. 30th:
"That collegial, respectful relationship once so absent from the sweep of our intertwined histories is the single most salient characteristic of the present narrative."

And again,same source:
"...the psychological & practical impact of manifestly cordial & respectful relationships at the highest level cannot be overstated..."

And finally:
" It has been fascinating to note just how powerful a tool for change has been the increasingly sensitive use of language (!!) , the evident awareness of the otherness of others (I swear!) ,especially around their most neuralgic issues & the efforts made to be inclusive of all rather than highly partisan."

You wha ?

Pauline Madigan teaches Communications and Public Relations at IT Carlow. She says,
"I regularly play back jargon examples from the RTE website to the students, to highlight the importance of communicating a language that is understood by a particular audience.

Which brings me on to sending you a quote someone gave at a training course I attended this week. The course was on 'active learning in the classroom' and although I understand that what the person was saying is that HOW we teach nowadays (i.e. interaction, discussion groups, debates, playing back programmes from RTE etc.) has changed in comparison to the way people used to teach at third level (person standing up at the top of the room and students just taking notes), I did wonder if they needed to say it in the following way:- .

Are you ready for this:-

'The massification of higher education is now a global phenomenon. The traditional paradigm shift was an instruction paradigm. We are now shifting to a learning paradigm. The forces of massification have brought multiple challenges with regard to pedagogy'.

Eugene Callan writes -
HIQA just launched a draft standards consultation document in THREE versions. Surely a bit of overkill. I would have thought one plain English version would be enough for us taxpayers to fund?

http://www.hiqa.ie/functions_sh_ss_consultation.asp

Olivia Fitzpatrick sent us this

Subject: Launch of IL RLO repository in Ireland

The HEA (Ireland's Higher Education Authority) funded National Digital Learning Repository (NDLR) in Ireland is a national repository of learning objects, organised into subject areas known as communities of practice. The NDLR uses the Intrallect software, which also supports Jorum, to host a wide variety of re-usable learning objects (RLOs), for use by members of Irish higher education institutions. On the 5th September, the Information Skills Community of Practice (ISCoP) was launched in Dublin. This section of the repository will be home to RLOs to support the teaching of information literacy.

Marketing Magazine sent us this
Thought you might find the following comments by Peter Arnell, founder of the US marketing agency, The Arnell Group, of use for your jargon slot.
Talking about "a cognitive approach to brand portfolio", Arnell said marketers should "propose a new, innovative title such as consumer-experience enabler... without a consumer experience dimension, a good brand portfolio remains an abstract, idealized model. In this model, it is okay to have some duplication of category with differentiation through mood and emotion".
Perhaps what Arnell was trying to tell us in his own convoluted way was if marketers can get consumers to think, you can then get them to connect with the brand. Then, not only will they buy the actual brand, but they will buy into the brand concept as well.

Adrian Dowling sent this
Portfolio Analytics
Bear Stearns offers a rigorous and customized portfolio construction
process that incorporates the dynamics of multi-year investing, while
reflecting each client's risk tolerance, tax rates and anticipated cash flows as well as any locked assets or concentrated positions. With regard to the latter, we can evaluate the specific volatility and correlations of each concentrated position relative to approximately 40 asset classes in seeking to minimize portfolio risk and maximize projected returns. From Bear Steans who recently, er... went bust.

Reference: http://www.bearstearns.com/sitewide/private_clients/business_solutions/
portfolio_analytics/index.htm

Our friends in The Examiner sent this masterpiece to us
PRESS RELEASE. PRESS RELEASE. PRESS RELEASE. PRESS RELEASE.** NEW VIVIENNE ROCHE WORKS TO BE UNVEILED AT CIT CORK SCHOOL OF MUSIC
*
A new ensemble of sculptures by Cork sculptor, Vivienne Roche, will be unveiled on Monday [*JUNE 30th*] at CIT Cork School of Music on Union Quay. "Light Ensemble" is a precise and studied advance of the
geometrical beauty and luminosity of the new CIT Cork School of Music.
It is a sculptural bridge between architecture and music. It gives
substance to the way light falls within the building's atria at a
specific calendar time using three interrelated media - stuccodore
plasterwork, paint and the intrinsically sculptural form of a grand piano.

"Light Ensemble" was commissioned, and jointly funded by, Murray
O'Laoire Architects and John Sisk and Son Ltd as a gift to CIT Cork
School of Music.

Roche's central idea was to take a single moment in time when the
architecture of the building filtered light, which it then cast as a
reflection on to the walls of the atria. Timing lies at the heart of
music; light at the core of the visual. After observing how light worked in the building, Roche chose the reflections cast on June 5th 2007 as being most in tune with the architecture. "15:33" names the painted work and is the precise time when the chosen reflection was cast. Similarly,
"15:35" names the stuccodore plaster work.

The painting "15:33" occupies the exact shape and place of the
reflection at 15:33 on June 5th, whereas the plaster work "15:35" is
positioned at a different level to its originating reflection like an
echoing reprise.

Light and time are thus given a substantial existence in paint and
polished plaster. The final element of the ensemble, "Night", plays with the way in which the elegant blackness of a grand piano passes on reflected light to the visually attentive music lover.

Seán Ó Laoire, Director, Murray Ó Laoire Architects said: "In an
exploration of the relationship between architecture and music, the
American critic Elisabeth Martin postulated that 'there is a definable
membrane through which meaning can move from one medium to another, a
pliable layer that connects two things, and in this case, the middle
position of music and architecture'. While Martin was advancing a larger
thesis, her musings struck me as a lyrical way of thinking about the
role of Vivienne Roche's Light Ensemble. I would like to think that
generations of CSM students will come to relish the play of the music of
light and the cycle of the year on Vivienne's work, which in another
entirely different way is a link to CSM's antecedent which commissioned
Séamus Murphy's plaques, now incorporated in the new building."

Important; New heavy Element added to Table!

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that normally takes less than a second but the effect can take as long as 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, which has half as many peons but twice the number of morons.

Jan 2009
From Gary Culliton in the Irish Medical Times gary.culliton@imt.ie

"The aim is to configure multidisciplinary Clinical Directorate teams according to patient pathways, rather than professional silos," an HSE source explained.... EXPLAINED!

Sunday 12th October 2008

. It's been another week of economics jargon, with much of the blame for the financial crisis going to the trade in certain financial derivative instruments such as credit default swaps.
. In case that's not enough jargon, among the derivatives, you have your linear or non-linear, types, and either of these can be described as vanilla or exotic, depending on their complexity.
. Our favourite financial instrument of the week must surely be the contingent premium option, non-linear exotic derivative. ( It's basically a promise to buy or sell something ..)
. This is from Contingency analysis.com a financial consultant and training website.'A derivatives dealer can assemble a contingent premium option from more simple instruments. For example, a contingent premium call can be assembled by selling a cash-or-nothing binary call option and using the proceeds to purchase a vanilla call. The contingent premium option can be priced by valuing the constituent parts.'

No wonder things are as bad as they are!

Our own Economic and Social Research Institute can be a bit fast and loose with its jargon, but it has become markedly most honest in its most recent commentary,

Autumn 2008

. 'Other economic news within Ireland which has impacted upon our analysis includes disastrous third quarter Exchequer returns and an alarming rise in the numbers on the Live Register.'

Less than a year ago (winter 2007)

. We expect the same growth in tax revenues, in spite of our lower GNP growth forecast. However, if we are overly optimistic on the relationship between economic growth and tax revenue growth then the deficit will turn out to be higher than we are forecasting.(!)

About 2 years ago (autumn 2006)

Between 2002-2006 all counties experienced positive net in-migration, Regional differentials in unemployment rates and income per person are not particularly pronounced, and These differentials grew smaller over the period of the "Celtic Tiger".

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO
Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO
Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET
A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING
The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER
What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR
Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST
Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT
When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER
A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION
The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO
What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS
What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR
Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT
An archaic word no longer in use.

Sunday 3rd February 2008

Aidan Thomas contacted us when he saw an article in the Evening Herald for a post in the HSE as "Director of the Winter Initiative".

Using his initiative he looked up their website for some clarity on what this might entail...

"The key feature of the Winter Initiative is that it is not an accountable delivery unit. It is a corporate co-ordinating mechanism to facilitate the accountable pillars working together to put in place and monitor implementation of the various elements of the plan."

Indeed.

A spokesperson for the HSE Communications office accepted that the description was 'a little verbose and longwinded' and offered this somewhat clearer explanation:

"Basically, this particular sentence means that the Winter Initiative in not a specific new section of the HSE. It is a plan which aims to co-ordinate the activities of several areas of the HSE such as; hospitals, nursing homes and community settings to ensure that all areas of the HSE are pulling in the same direction in order to provide the best possible care to patients during a time when demand on the health services is high."

Thanks to Aidan for pointing this out. The HSE have also promised to put a jargon buster on its website which will clearly explain any unfamiliar or technical terms.

Plain English will do please!

Sunday 27th January 2008

Listener Sean Brennan from Ballinasloe, Co Galway sent us this letter:

Dear John,

There can be no doubting that monopolies, or near monopolies can develop some very sinister characteristics. As evidence, please see the attached reply-paid envelope from Eircom.

One wonders what dreadful fate may be in store for hapless customers who may come under the scrutiny of the 'Customer Suppression Department.'

One begins to look askance at the Eircom van parked down the street, is it the suppression squad? Do they have me under scrutiny? Will I be bundled into that innocent looking van as I walk past in a scene reminisce of 'The Day of the Jackal' and spirited off to some remote exchange where I will spend the rest of my life bundling local loops?

How did they know about me? Did someone in the pub overhear me complaining or was it the neighbours?

Am I getting paranoid!?

If you never hear from me again, I have always enjoyed the programme.

Yours in terrible anticipation,

Sean Brennan

Of course, we immediately contacted Eircom. A spokesman said:

"Eircom holds its hands up. We have been caught by the Jargon Buster. This is clearly not our finest hour in communicating to our customers.

The term "suppression" is a technical term used by industry and the Office of Data Protection Commissioner. Eircom will honour a customers request to be removed from our marketing mailing list if they choose to move to another telecoms provider. "

Sunday 9th December 2007

Bullfighter - Fight The Bull
Bullfighter is the epoch-defining software that works with Microsoft Word and PowerPoint to help you find and eliminate jargon in your documents.

Click here...

Sunday 18th November 2007

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Sunday 14th October 2007

Angela Short emailed us with this bit of jargon she picked up on.

"I had a great chuckle last week when listening to an interview on Morning Ireland regarding the cancellation of the Amgen project. One male contributor whose name I didn't catch talked about when Amgen first made the announcement.and subsequently when the 'disannouncment' came out!

If you are of my era or age group you may well remember the parable in the red catechism warning against gossip and saying that your words were like the feathers from a pillow swept away in the wind- once out of your mouth they are gone, never to be retrieved. I am interested to now learn that what you announce can be dis announced!"

Eugene Kiernan spotted this in the Financial Times, Mohamed El-Erian, the guy who runs the Harvard endowment fund, trying to give a short and snappy explanation of the recent credit crunch:

"The first phenomenon was highlighted in the eagerness of certain financial intermediaries to shift to the "originate and distribute" model, thereby weakening an important component of due diligence in the system; and in the willingness of certain investors to capture higher "carry" by assuming complex risks that were not fully understood. The situation was accentuated by the outsourcing of important internal due diligence responsibilities to credit rating agencies and other third parties that were facing their own challenges."

And on market outlook:
"I would also expect a considerable degree of price volatility as the impact of higher physical demand interacts with some supply responsiveness and fluctuating financial demand on the part of asset diversifiers (acquiring larger commodity exposures) and more speculative flow."

Eugene adds "Don't send the kids to Harvard!"

9th September 2007

This is an architect's description of a glass box shopping centre to replace the Capitol Cinema in Cork city centre.

"The façade to Grand Parade has been modulated with a vertical emphasis to respect the existing grain and rhythm of the surrounding streetscape. Surface modulations in façade break-up culminate in the form of a glazed vertical sliver element which aligns with the important vista to Washington Street, thus setting up an axial relationship of visual connections perpendicular to the Grand Parade elevation. This shard of glass through its inherent transparency will offer glimpses from within and without.

The fragmentary device also serves to modulate the massing and rewrite in some sense the palimpsest of the plots and subdivisions over time."

Thanks to Tommy Barker for sending us this one

14th January 2007

Bulls**t Bingo
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6th November 2006

Every element of the Oasis Hong Kong Airlines identity has been crafted to convey our simple, powerful message: affordable, global mobility, provided by an airline whose home is one of the world's most dynamic cities.

Our logo is a wordmark that neatly links "Oasis" with "Hong Kong" to communicate our name, the type of brand experience we offer and our home.

The typeface, a modified version of Mondial, encapsulates the fundamental brand proposition: safety and comfort with unprecedented value. The stylized i of OASiS represents the essence of both our company and Hong Kong: international, innovative and inspired.

Our primary colours are red and white, the colours of the Hong Kong flag. "HONG KONG" is in medium grey, a colour that conveys our commitment to reliability and the professionalism of our experienced staff.

The bright tail fins of the Oasis Hong Kong Airlines aircraft feature our brand signature: bold streaks of light in red, orange and white. They are an instantly recognizable reference to ever-dynamic, diverse Hong Kong. They also communicate what we provide, i.e., the ability to fly non-stop instead of having to transit at an intermediate point.

The energy of our brand identity extends to the aircraft cabin interiors, where the theme is "refreshing and cosmopolitan". colours are warm, inviting shades of purple, magenta and orange for the seat covers and aubergine for the carpeting. Our specially-designed seat cover pattern is called "infinite oasis," and features an ever-continuing flow of dots that represents the joy of mobility and discovery.

Thanks to Conall O'Morain who pointed this out to us

CHAT UP LINES IN JARGON: 19th November 2006
The best of the best from listeners to The Business.

WARNING
Some of these entries may contain innuendo and double entendre which those of a sensitive nature may find hilariously funny.

WINNERS:

"Can I actively manage your growth fund for you, love?"
MARTIN LENNOX, SKERRIES

"Is your presence a consistent feature of this location?" aka do you come here often?
TEENAGH CUNNINGHAM, GALWAY

"Fancy some face-time leading to an overnight merger - it would create a lot of noise out there and let us get to grips with each other's key assets, especially if you take the top position."
COLIN MURPHY, DUBLIN 6W

AND SOME HIGHLY RECOMMENDED:

Man: I wonder could you find a window in your schedule where we could hook up and explore whether there are synergies between our visions.
Woman: I don't know whether it would be a strategic fit
Man: Could you elaborate?
Woman: I don't see you as a white knight.
Man: Well I'm not a hostile predator if that's you mean. Look, if you are not interested, i will have to do a blue-sky review of my options.
Woman: No, i'm not kicking you to touch. I'll diary it.
ORLAITH MANNION, DUBLIN 8

"How would you like to be buried with my portfolio?"
NUALA BARRON, CO. WICKLOW.

"Would you like to handle my assets going forward?"
DAVE KEATING, WESTPORT.

"Damn blackberry just crashed and I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?"
KARINA HULL, WHITEHALL, DUBLIN

"You look ready for a takeover"
MARY MURPHY, FERMOY

"I would be keen to unbundle your locally orientated loop and to integrate your business circuitry with my more customer focused suite of product choice."
ANONYMOUS

"Would you like to create content -I could really google your u tube"
M CONWAY, RENMORE, GALWAY

Can you spare some face time for blue sky thinking re a little win-win therapy and perhaps lift the kimino going forward and put to bed my fishing expedition!!!!!
CORMAC MC CART

"Fancy plotting some milestones on my Gantt chart, and if there are synergies in our 5 year plan, I've got the bandwidth to implement a robust and sustainable relationship, in which a culture of continuous improvement and achieving objectives will be high on the priority list"
LIZ CLARKE, GLASGOW

"I have reviewed your assets and feel that a joint merger with a capital injection from me, a bottom-up approach to adopt a mission critical position, set the penetration pricing and hammer out a policy with a hard-stop, ramp-up avoiding melt-down, and after some frenetic activity culminate with a voluntary liquidation, would be to our mutual advantage."
BARRY KAVANAGH

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