This evening, Brenda will be taking Neil Francis to the ballet, to see Swan Lake at the Bord Gáis Energy Theatre. So this morning, we decided to take a look at Neil's Wikipedia entry - and it wasn't what we expected it!
So in case you missed what was there this morning, here it is!
Neil Francis From Wikipedia (rugby union)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Neil Francis (rugby union)
Warlord, Part-time Dwarf Juggler, Hero of Time, Big Wave Rider, sometime member of the E-Street Band.
1965 – Present
Neil Francis is a retired Irishrugby union lock-forward (he could also play at number 8). He played for Blackrock College, London Irish, Old Belvedere, Leinster and won 36 caps between 1987 and 1996 for Ireland. He is a three time Rugby World Cup quarter finalist.
Francis is known throughout the third world as a philanthropist and has claimed to have saved over a billion lives since his retirement from rugby.
In 2007, at a summit meeting regarding climate change attended by Robert Mugabe, Hulk Hogan, the drummer from W.A.S.P. and Mother Theresa's nephew, Keith, he told reporters: "King Kong ain't got **** on me".
He has never offered an explanation for how he has meant to have saved lives, but claims he is known in every Spanish speaking country in the world as "El Frano" - loosely translated into English this means - El Frano.
Francis' tireless efforts in the name of world preservation are well known. In 1978, he secretly restored a 15,000 sq ft Aztec temple, buried under 500 feet of mud since 1675, using only an old Colgate toothbrush and a small thimble of white spirits, in two days. Francis' charity work in Latin America has earned him the nickname of "The Irish Kriss Akabusi".
However his work in the Amazon rain forest is fraught with controversy. Francis regularly shoots pumas and rare birds. From 1983 to 1987, Francis is believed to have killed over 950 pumas, 3 tortoises and over 2 billion flamingos. He also campaigned in Iran for the Galapagos Islands to be "wiped off the map" using a hydrogen bomb and on Christmas Eve 1989 he shot at Santa Claus, slightly injuring Prancer, the shock of the event forcing Blitzen into early retirement - something he said he'd never do.
Despite worldwide campaigns from Francis' supporters, Santa Claus continues to refuse to remove Francis from the Naughty List.
Following the collapse of Lehman Brothers in October 2008, Francis personally guaranteed the debts of all Irish banks. However he was forced to withdraw this guarantee following the involvement of the Taoiseach, Brian Cowen, who told him to "back off" because "these things are best left to the government".
Francis, although hurt by the knock back, managed to shoulder press 535 lbs in the gym later that evening - a new world record.
Francis claims to have invented XML in 1987 on the back of the 75 bus while having a cigarette. Amazingly he didn't even have a computer and the XML’s predecessor, HTML, hadnt even been invented. Later he denied even knowing what the internet was and rubbished claims he invented XML. He admitted in 2005 however, that he did indeed invent XML along with the basic rules of nanotechnology on the duration of this 75 bus journey. "I got on at Bakers Corner by the time I reached Stillorgan I had XML in the bag and on getting off at Marley park I had invented nanotechnology. Boom". Bill Gates recently described Francis as "the father of nanotechnology".
Involvement in the Watergate Scandal
In 1972, Francis, then a mere child, discovered and exposed the burglary at the Watergate hotel, the fallout forcing then President Richard Nixon to resign, therefore ended a period of innocence in contemporary America. However Francis and Nixon reconciled shortly after and in 1994, Francis made an emotional impromptu three and a half hour speech at Richard Nixon’s funeral, for which he received a 45 minute standing ovation.
Francis is also responsible for the launch of various "people movements". The success of the United Negro College Fund has been attributed to Francis’ tireless efforts in the lineout for both Blackrock and Old Belvo. The US Patriot Act was ushered in against the wishes of Francis, despite his majority holding in the US Senate. He was widely criticised by both Democrats, Republicans and most scathingly, Twink, for describing the Patriot Act at a rally in front of 500,000 people as “a load of old bollocks''". Francis also waterboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on behalf of the CIA and his involvement with counter-terrorism has lead to over six hundred arrests.
Francis served as President of the World Bank from April 1978 to June 1991. In his thirteen years at the Bank, he introduced key changes, shifting the Bank's focus towards targeting poverty reduction. One notable project started during Francis' presidency, was the effort to prevent river blindness which he completely eradicated in South America despite having no substantial medical background. Recently asked about this on his arrival to a Rihanna concert in the RDS he commented self deprecatingly "I helped save a few silly bastards. So what?!!"
Pope John Paul IIs funeral
After kissing the text of the Book of the Gospels, Francis stood before the congregants to offer the homily in what was a 200 minute tribute to Pope John Paul II. Francis spoke to the single largest gathering of heads of state in history, surpassing the funerals of Winston Churchill (1965) and Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1948).
According to magician Paul Daniels “he spoke like he was chatting to a small gathering of family members at Christmas dinner. It was a bloody enigma and yet entirely appropriate”.
Four Kings, five Queens, at least seventy presidents and prime ministers and more than fourteen leaders of other religions attended. It is likely to have been the largest single gathering of Christianity in history, with numbers estimated in excess of four million. Francis spoke mainly in Latin, Italian and English but also recited a fourteenth century poem from Poland in perfect Polish.
He was interrupted approximately ten times with outbursts of applause by the congregants, the last one ending after seventeen minutes. Most heads of state were visibly shook with many in tears. The Dow Jones ended up closing 1000 points higher on the day and a 500 ft bronze statue was erected the following year in Warsaw in honour of Francis.
Rewriting of The Bible
In late 2002, Francis was controversially chosen by The Vatican ahead of The Pope to rewrite dozens of scriptures of The Bible to cater for modern culture. Francis' rewrites were all well received by the Catholic community - the only criticism coming from Pope John Paul II who believed Francis' insistence on referring to his personal bests on the bench press and lat pulldown in The Book of Revelation were "not relevant to Christianity."
These passages were removed but later reinstated after the death of John Paul II, whose death was described by The Vatican as occurring "under highly suspicious circumstances".
Involvement with the Space Shuttle Program
Francis is a keen cosmologist and astrophysicist and regularly advises NASA at the pre-launch stage of their space missions. Although very young at the time, Francis helped design the landing pattern for Apollo 11, which was the first manned shuttle to land on the surface of the moon.
It is widely believed, incorrectly, that the words Neil Armstrong uttered before he stepped on the moon were "One small step for man...one giant leap for mankind" but this is actually incorrect. Armstrong actually said: "One small step for Fran....one giant leap for mankind".
Neil Armstrong has a framed picture of Neil Francis in his hall. Francis is NASA's man of choice to voice the countdown to every shuttle launch. His voice, NASA say, contains a unique tone that has a serene and calming effect on the astronauts. NASA claim that without Francis' involvement, the USA may have lost the space race to communist USSR, and therefore Francis may have been responsible for preventing World War III.
Tour de France
In 2010, after training for two days, completing only 12k of roadwork, Francis won the 13th stage of the Tour de France.
This win was all the more remarkable given that he cycled a "fixie" (gearless) bike on this most difficult Alpine stage.
Francis rode most of the Alpine ascent with no hands and at one stage stopped to give a elderly lady "a backer" to the top of the mountain before abruptly turning around, quickly descending and the doing a "ghostie" with the old lady still on the bike. Her body was never found.
In an unprecedented move, the Nobel Committee has recently anounced that all Prizes for the next five years will be awarded to Francis. "We simply cannot see anyone coming forward to challenge Francis' achievements in the next five years, or possibly ever", the Committee said.
This decision has proved controversial, because despite his complete dominance of the fields of science, literature, medicine and sports, his entitlement to the Peace Prize is not so clear. Ugly scenes arose at the Committee meeting leading to heated debates, fist fights, random grenade attacks in toilet cubicles and live animal sacrifices on Satanic alters.
Killing of Osama Bin Laden
Within weeks of 9/11, Francis had fully penetrated Al Qaedas complex network, meeting with Osama Bin Laden and other Al Qaeda elders in Tora Bora in late September 2001.
Ayman al-Zawahiri famously described Francis as the closest living embodiment of Allah in the Jihad warrior sense. He was one of three couriers used regularly by Osama Bin Laden, being fluent in fourteen of the seventeen tribal languages of Afghanistan. Northern alliances referred to him as Khan Mujhadai - “The Overlord”.
In March 2002, Francis returned to Ireland to work with Setanta Sports and to write for the Sunday Tribune.
On May 1, 2011, while hosting a fundraiser for equal rights for marsupials on Easter Island, Francis was contacted personally by U.S. President Barack Obama and asked to command SEAL Team 6 in a daring mission to kill Osama Bin Laden.
Francis, having originally located Bin Laden in Abbotabad using Google Maps on his iphone during a long visit to the toilet in Blackrock Rugby club, is understood to have flown to Pakistan immedetely and quickly briefed his team. Without so much as a change of socks, he lead the mission in to Bin Ladens’ hideaway and delivered the “Double tap” killshots to Bin Laden, while casually quoting long passages of script from the Naked Gun films.
Francis is understood to have been the person wearing the now famous "Helmet Cam" and after disposing of Bin Laden broke into a chorus of Whatta Man by Salt-n-Pepa.
In 1988, Francis became the bass player with hip hop group NWA, after being asked especially by frontman Eazy-E who saw Francis perform at the 1987 Grammys with Whitney Houston.
Francis' stint with the band was short but successful, in his time writing such hits as Gangsta Gangsta, and Straight Outta Compton. He later went on to produce songs for artists like Tupac Shakur, Ice Cube, DMX and Cypress Hill. Rolling Stone Magazine named Francis "Artist of the Millennium" and he was voted in a poll in "Gangsta Fo' Life" magazine as "The Most Dangerous Man in Hip Hop".
Francis also co-wrote, produced and sang the 1992 hit single Ebeneezer Goode by The Shamen.
Francis has never married and in 1986 was voted by Playgirl as "The World's Sexiest Man", narrowly beating Don Johnson and Simon Weston. In 1991, after 10 years of being relentlessly courted, Francis finally agreed to go on a date with his political idol Margaret Thatcher.
He added that although he didn't sleep with Thatcher, he played footsie with her under the table, bringing her within moments of climax before abruptly standing up and walking out, without paying the cheque.
In February 2014 Francis sparked global outrage when he gave a controversial interview to Matt Cooper’s ‘The Last Word’ in which he claimed that homosexuals are not interested in sport as gay people know they will never be as successful as he was. He later clarified his comments by saying that he believed this to be true for "any person of any sexual persuasion" and referred to his achievements as a three time Rugby World Cup quarter finalist.Furthermore, he went on to claim that he is known by his friends in the gay community as "The Rainbow Warrior" and was the main instigator behind getting homosexuality removed from the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders in the late 1970's. He then went on to say that he is "an LGBT champion and a wonderful humanitarian" and said he has made a five Euro donation to the Campaign for Homosexual Law Reform and now considers the matter closed.
Whilst preparing a five course meal for all the delegates at a G8 conference he broke the world record for spinning plates on a stick. At one point he spun 110 plates simultaneously whilst singing his rendition of Giacomo Puccinis aria, "Nessun Dorma" in Mandarin Chinese, (he diverted to Japanese for some parts of the chorus at the behest of Japanese Premier Junichiro Koizumi). After serving the meal to the foreign dignitaries, he benched pressed José Manuel Barroso (President of the European commission) 900 times in five sets of 180 reps.
On July 16, 2008, Francis ran against Usain Bolt in a charity event, held in Spiddle in Co. Galway, in aid of The Sligo Owl Sanctuary (S.O.S.), and comfortably beat Bolt over 60 metres. In the longjump at the same event, Francis jumped 28 ft, one of the longest jumps ever recorded. 1968 Olympic record breaker and gold medalist Bob Beamon was at the event and later campaigned for a wing of the National Track and Field Hall of Fame to be named after Francis. The request is currently pending.
Francis is good friends with General Zod from Superman II, Mallory Keaton from the TV show Family Ties and 1980s TV sensation Punky Brewster, who he helped recover from heroin addiction.
He has just released a new book entitled "The Mystery of Ginger".
Visit www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neil_Francis_(rugby_union) if you'd like to read the latest entry!