The Apprentice - The Empire doesn't strike back

Once in every while an episode of a programme comes along with so many good quotes that you could watch it on a loop for six hours and still not remember all of them. Last night the tears rolled down my face as I begged the telly for mercy. And I'll be watching the repeat in the early hours of Friday morning - making sure I don't drink anything in the half-hour beforehand. This, if you'll forgive the colour, was comedy gold.

I have to share:

"I've actually shocked myself here."

"Do you think the problem was with the product?"

"A telly back-to-front with some wires sticking out of it."

"New. Original. Functional. Portable. Dynamic. Inspirational."

"I did almost everything right, except for one thing."

And if you still find yourself feeling at a low ebb today, just close your eyes and think of one thing: the Empire team's "Death Box".

How anyone thought that this would impress even one person - never mind fit under a bed! - must rank up there with life's great mysteries.

Here was a prototype that worked on so many levels, except, of course, the one it was actually meant to work on. If you were so bad at art in school that the teacher said he'd pray for you, the Death Box gives you inspiration to get out the Faber Castells and try again. If you're someone who'd watch a telly placed on a milk crate and not give it a second thought, it proves that your aesthetic sensibilities aren't as bad as others have claimed. If the voice in your head is usually the critic and not the coach, that box will have you singing 'Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now'.

Anyway, that's enough of the product, now to the people.

I was on bended knee hoping that Alan Sugar's index finger would be pointing towards Ben. As panto villains go, he takes some beating, but I don't buy the theory that he's going to become more likeable as the weeks progress - like 'The Sug' says, leopards don't change their spots.

As for James, his stay looks like it'll be a very short one. Wanting to be project manager and then letting Ben take the role from him and blame him on everything means he'll get filleted when things get tougher.

Had the task involved dealing solely with surfers, Majid wouldn't have got the boot. Too laidback for his own good, he did the least damage of the three, but that, bizarrely, was his undoing.

But this week's show was all about one person for me: Phil. Low-key, likeable and not addicted to himself, he showed, I think, that's he's a contender and someone that Sugar could work with. In a programme that often shows up the nastier side of human nature, Phil's defence of his colleagues in the boardroom was something to admire. Don't go changing, gent.

Harry Guerin